


My crazy life part 11

by NordicPossession



Series: Humor [11]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, The Mummy: The Animated Series, Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:48:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28292631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NordicPossession/pseuds/NordicPossession
Relationships: Friends - Relationship
Series: Humor [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1607026





	My crazy life part 11

**Me:** _*talking to Kylo Ren*_ Nobody would blame you for not wanting to take lightsaber lessons from Grand Inquisitor. I mean, jeez, he gave me a lightsaber lesson once simply in order for me to be able to defend myself from these fucked up humans, and by the end of it I wanted to impale myself with the training saber he gave to me!  
———————————————————————  
**Me:** _*questioning Blee*_ Did you see how Imhotep behaved yesterday?  
**Imhotep:** There was nothing wrong with me and it's in my own house!  
**Me:** So that gives you the right to undo your pants in front of people?  
**Imhotep:** What people? It's Grand Quizzy and Green Goblin! Not to forget Lockdown thought that it was hysterical!  
**Me:** You're impossible!  
**Imhotep:** What about you wanting to dance?  
**Me:** It was a party!  
**Imhotep:** Yes! People are eating! Exactly why you shouldn't dance!  
**Megatron:** All right, stop it! Stop it, will you? How can you keep doing this?  
**Me:** What do you mean? We're having breakfast.  
**Megatron:** Do you hear yourselves? Why are you yelling?  
**Me:** We're having a conversation.  
**Megatron:** No, no, no, you're not. This is not a conversation. This is--it's bickering! That's all you two do!  
**Imhotep:** Who are you to tell us what we do? Leave us alone! The next time you want to dance Luba, give me notice so I can kill myself right afterwards!  
**Me:** Okay! I'll dance on your grave! How are the eggs?  
**Imhotep:** Where are the peppers?  
**Me:** There are no peppers. You always ask for peppers, and then you get heartburn.  
**Imhotep:** It's not from the peppers!  
**Me:** Here. Here's the salt. That’s how you are eating? Close your mouth as you chew!  
**Imhotep:** Close your mouth as you talk!  
———————————————————————  
**Blee:** Is this container microwavabIe?  
**Me:** No, Blee! I toId you that container wasn't the correct container! Why don’t you ever listen to me? You're eating meIted plastic!  
———————————————————————  
**Imhotep:** Luba’s thinking of writing a book.  
**Megatron:** A sex book?  
**Imhotep:** No. A chiIdren's book.  
**Luba:** I was just thinking of trying it.  
**Blee:** I have a wonderfuI story for you, Luba! When Darth Maul was 10, he was in LittIe League. before one of his games, I asked him if he had to go to the bathroom and he said no. So when it got to be his turn batting he wets his pants. Isn't that charming?  
**Megatron:** wtf?  
**Darth Maul:** _*comes into the room*_ Is this about me?  
**Imhotep:** Your friend was just telling the story of how you wet your pants at home pIate.  
**Darth Maul:** Blee.......  
**Blee:** It's for Luba’s chiIdren's book.  
**Darth Maul:** It's gonna be in a book?  
**Luba:** No, Maul! Blee, pIease, I don't think I'm gonna use the story.  
**Darth Maul:** That's my story. You can't use it. I have the rights to that story.  
**Luba:** Maul, I'm not using the story.  
**Blee:** Why not? It's an important story. It has a moraI about how kids shouId Iisten to their friends and not hoId it in.  
**Megatron:** I tell you what. Whatever you do, I'll do the pictures for it.  
**Darth Maul:** Pictures?  
**Megatron:** I've dabbIed in the visuaI arts. I've painted some bullfighters, some nudes.  
**Imhotep:** the only thing you ever painted was naked ladies off a deck of dirty cards!  
**Megatron:** I had to. After Darth Maul was born, you stopped posing for me!  
**Luba:** Imhotep!!!!  
**Imhotep:** What!?  
**Blee:** Okay, I have to gouge out my eyes now! Thanks!  
**Kylo Ren:** You can't gouge out your mind's eye unfortunately.......  
**Blee:** You know, Luba, I got another great story for you. It's about a short crime fighter when he was 15. We're on a Iong car ride and before we Ieave, I warn Darth Maul that......  
**Darth Maul:** BLEE!!!!!!!  
———————————————————————  
**Luba:** Maybe Blee had some weird bond with that fish that died today. You know? Like Flipper, finding Nemo’s dad.  
**Imhotep:** All right!  
**Luba:** I don't think it was the particular fish, Imhotep. I think it was more of a symbolic thing.  
**Imhotep:** What do you mean?  
**Luba:** It's his birthday and then, on top of that, Stan the fish dies. You know, it's bound to bring up the question of his own mortality.  
**Imhotep:** Okay, but it was Stan?  
**Luba:** Yes, Imhotep! that's the symbolic part!  
**Imhotep:** I don't think that's it.  
**Luba:** Why not?  
**Imhotep:** Blee isn't that deep. He doesn't make those connections. He thinks the moral of the Adam and Eve story is: “Don't eat when you're naked.”  
**Luba:** No, Imhotep. I think the dead fish is definitely it and I think that your friend is hiding his feelings. It's normal. You know, he's afraid of dying, and then you......  
**Kylo Ren:** _*runs through the house.*_ give him the gift of death!  
_*later on*_  
**Imhotep:** Can you turn off the television for a second? I want to talk to you.  
**Blee:** I can hear you.  
**Imhotep:** Please?  
**Blee:** Okay....  
**Imhotep:** See, the aquarium......  
**Blee:** I don't want to talk about that.  
**Imhotep:** I know. Look, it was a bad gift to give you, and I want to apologize.  
**Blee:** Okay, so we’re done now?  
**Imhotep:** No. See, I think maybe I understand why you're so upset about the dead fish.  
**Blee:** I don't give a flying fuck about a dead fish.  
**Imhotep:** Yeah, I know. I know, but I think maybe the fish was a symbol. The fish dying, I think maybe, made you think about, not that it's going to happen anytime soon. I mean, everybody thinks about this. I think about it, too sometimes.  
**Blee:** What in sweet hell are you talking about?  
**Imhotep:** Look, I didn't mean for the gift to upset you.  
**Blee:** Nice job! When that fish died, I went to Al's Aquarium to see if they'd replace it.  
**Imhotep:** I told you I'd replace it.  
**Blee:** I don't want you to replace it, okay?  
**Imhotep:** Okay, I understand. That's more of the symbol thing. You don't want me to replace the fish because you don't want me to replace you when you, you know? When you're dead.  
**Blee:** When I'm dead? Why are you bringing that up for? I don't want you to replace the fish because I found out it costs $40!! Who the hell buys a $40 fish!? Salmon costs $14.00 a pound, and you can eat it!!  
**Imhotep:** That's what you're mad at?  
**Blee:** Yeah. Then I find out the whole fish tank costs $600!! Where do you get off spending that kind of money!? How's that supposed to make me feel!?  
**Imhotep:** Happy?  
**Blee:** Jeez aloo!! $600 on a box of water!?  
**Imhotep:** Come on, Blee! I wanted to do something nice!  
**Blee:** Nice? That's more than I paid for my first car! Next year, why don't you get me a coffee mug that says: “I make more than you”! And if I want a fish tank, I'll get my own damn fish tank!!  
**Imhotep:** I know you can, Blee! But then it wouldn’t be a gift!  
**Blee:** You know what's a nice gift!? I'll tell you!! One of those magnetic coin holders for your car!! $2.00 at any car wash!! That's a nice thing for a friend to give a friend!!  
**Imhotep:** Blee, come on, look, I make a good living! I can afford to buy you this!  
**Blee:** I know!! Okay!? I know!! How would you feel if one of your kids went out and got you some big, expensive thing?  
**Imhotep:** No! Instead I'd wonder why they didn't get me something. But then, if they did get me something very expensive I would feel proud. I'd feel proud that one of my boys could do that.  
**Blee:** You think that's how you'd feel!!  
**Imhotep:** No, I would! I would feel proud! So you don't feel proud of me?  
**Blee:** No. There's some of that. But then there's me. I still have to feel about me.  
**Imhotep:** Come on, Blee. What? I did all right! Didn't I do better than some people around here!?  
**Blee:** Some contest!!  
**Imhotep:** Look, if it makes you feel any better I wouldn’t be where I am without you. Yeah. Sorry for the gift.  
**Blee:** It's all right. At least you tried.  
**Imhotep:** So you weren't upset about death at all?  
**Blee:** Not until you mentioned it! Thanks, though! Thanks a lot, Imhotep!! Nice to be appreciated!!  
**Imhotep:** At Least you still have the good old remote boat. Where is it?  
**Blee:** I needed a coffin for Stan.  
**Imhotep:** You buried Stan in the remote boat!?  
**Blee:** Your kids wanted a ceremony!! You don't flush a $40 fish down the toilet!!


End file.
